Transcripts from the Lost City of Atlanta

Just might be the next big thing, but not quite me.

Oh ladies.

I’m kinda a novelty. But I’m a sorta pretty novelty so I’m okay with that.

This whole recent turn of events has inspired a new writing idea for me. My last experience with non-fiction was a bit too arrogant, but my newest idea may just be the jolt I need.

Boobies pretty much always look nice.

However, they ALWAYS look better when properly supported. Do it for your boobies ladies. They hate gravity.

If you’ve ever been unfortunate enough to listen to a soft rock station (I know, I know, we all get our daily dose of Stevie Nicks…)….

Yeah…this makes me wanna stab a spoon into my earhole

…You’ve probably hear the “Pina Colada Song” and, if somehow you’ve managed to avoid it your entire life, you can listen to it at that link. In fact, it might be helpful to listen to it while you’re reading this.

 Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics?

Of course not. None of us have. We just sit there, painting our toenails or whatever, just humming and muttering the chorus to ourselves. And with that music, doesn’t it sound like a fun, island adventure? Perhaps it’s about a cute couple meeting under a palm tree on a sunny beach and falling in love? After all, everyone seems to think  it’s a love song. 

Yeah. It’s about an old, married couple. People that have been married so long that they’re bored with each other. So, while his wife is sleeping, our hero just decides to read the PERSONAL ADS OF A NEWSPAPER. 

Then, he finds the lovely ad that whirls its way into your ear and acts as this songs chorus. 

“DEAR ME! Someone that hates yoga and loves champagne? Making love at midnight? GETTING CAUGHT IN THE RAIN?!!? This couldn’t possibly be my long-suffering wife who’s pretending to be asleep so she doesn’t have to acknowledge my slobby masturbatory gruntings!”

So yeah. Then he waxes poetically some more about how tired he is of this frumpy rump lady that he’s stuck with and sends in a reply ad so he can meet up with this AMAZING MYSTERY LADY (or man, really. The personal ad doesn’t specify gender. And I kinda wish it would have ended with him meeting up with a dude who’s similarly exhausted with his lady. Then they realize that they’re dickholes, grab a few beers, and get in a car accident.)

THEN, IN A SURPRISING TWIST THAT M NIGHT SHYAMALAN COULDN’T HAVE PREDICTED! 

So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, “Oh it’s you.”
Then we laughed for a moment

Really? Y’all both laughed? You were both actively trying to bang other people while slathering them with disgusting pineapple juice and all you two can do is LAUGH?

Jesus. Really? Neither one of you is ever going to be able to read a newspaper ever again. 

IF YOU’VE BEEN MARRIED TO SOMEONE SO LONG THAT YOU’RE TIRED OF THEM AND YOU DON’T KNOW BASIC THINGS ABOUT THEM SUCH AS THE EVERYTHING MENTIONED IN THE CHORUS, YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON.

This song can suck a bag of dicks. Gay people have to accept “civil unions” and straight people are allowed to run around humping each other on beaches, then forget that their partner likes humping on beaches, then have a HILARIOUS MIX-UP and start humping on beaches again.